I have always thought that monogamy was hypocritical…that it was giving up desire for the sake of another desire. That is, giving up the desire to be lovers with someone because the desire to have a relationship is stronger.
I never actually considered the possibility that we can be in a relationship with someone and genuinely not desire to share our sexuality with anyone else. In my line of work I hear everyone’s sexual secrets and most people I see as clients, and even socially, who are in monogamous relationships, are with someone else on the side or wanting to be…and keeping secrets. So I have always thought monogamy shmonogamy. What a sham. Lying, sneaking, cheating and dissatisfaction. May as well be open and honest about our desire and be in an open or polyamorous relationship.
Hmmmmm there are the concepts of monogamy and polyamory and then there is the experience. What I think is that we all have our own path and that rather than listening to anyone else’s views or ideas or basing our decisions on other people’s experiences, we need to choose what works for us. So what I am about to share may not resonate with you and that is fine. I’m not attached to being right, I’m simply sharing what I have experienced. At the end of the day, I think that the kind of relationship we choose and how we relate to monogamy and polyamory need to based on our own EXPERIENCE. I have given both monogamy and polyamory a fair bout of experience and I would like to share what I have learned.
Monogamy never felt authentic to me because I could still feel my partners longing for something/someone else whenever I tried it. My partners would give seductive and enchanting hugs and kisses to get validation from some new minxy person. So they could feel like they’re “all that.” Or get something else that they were clearly not getting from me. Or they just had desire-based longing without any real regard for the impact that would have on me. I am no angel. I would often act in the same way. It was as though we were being monogamous to feel safe and to avoid feeling jealous, avoid conflict, avoid hurting each other, but that was not actually our genuine organic truth. So, it was more of a decision based on fear rather than love.